(With apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)
I've Got a Little List
If ever it should happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list—I’ve got a little list
Of society’s offenders who might well be underground,
And they never would be missed. They never would be missed.
There are people who are famous although no one knows the whys;
Reporters still spout every detail of their petty lives.
And folks who will do anything to get some camera time,
Like eating bugs or climbing walls or swimmin’ cross the Rhine.
Or those who let the world watch as they’re glad or sad or pissed.
I’ve got ’em on the list. I’ve got ’em on the list.
There are those who dance who shouldn’t or who trill when they can’t sing.
I’ve put them on my list. I’ve got ’em on the list.
And you may have the judges, too. There’s not one worth a thing.
They never would be missed. I’m sure they won’t be missed.
All athletes who are fakers, and the ones who cry and whine
If they don’t get the ball or seven figures—(make that nine!)
And rappers who think rape and death is for poetic bliss,
I don’t think they’ll be missed. Just give them all a miss.
There’s the politician subset who can’t solve a single thing.
I’ve got ’em on the list. I’ve put ’em on the list.
Their most effective tactic is the lying mud they sling.
I don’t think they’d be missed. I’m sure they’d not be missed.
There’s reporters who push microphones at grieving mothers’ heads,
And ask them how they feel now that their children are all dead.
And folks who saw the twister or the drive-by at the school
Who gladly tell the story--breaking every English rule.
And anchors whose pronunciation does not get the gist.
I don’t think they’ll be missed. They’d none of them be missed.
You may put ’em on the list. You may put ’em on the list,
For they’ll none of them be missed. They’ll none of them be missed!